LAST MINUTE DRAFT PREDICTIONS!!
Okay, so I'm a little late. Whatever. I always like to wait until the last minute when everything is still live so that I can make an honest and fair decision. And so I don't look too dumb. Stealing Mel Kiper's big board also helps too...

1.) The Dolphins are taking Jake Long. I'm really happy Parcells didn't make a fool of me and decided to sign the guy in advance before I made some dumb prediction. Long is the most dominant offensive lineman in the draft and should free up holes for Ronnie Brown. He will added much needed help to the ailing miami offense as well as protect Josh McCown (and later John Beck....sshhhh don't tell anyone yet it's a secret...)

2.) With the second pick in the draft, the St. Louis Rams pick, CHRIS LONG. Wait, what, huh? That's right. The Longs go one and two. Chris Long is the son of hall of famer and ultimate tough guy, Howie Long. It's too bad the Raiders don't want them but fuck them. The Rams have played pattycake on defense for too long and with their past choices for Defensive Tackles in the draft all being busts, they need to draft an end. Dorsey seems enticing but the Rams will play it safer and not gamble on a busted tackle like Dorsey, as good as he still is. They will take Long who is in better shape and faster. For gods sake, the kid is a monster. He will add much needed depth to that line and if nothing else I have four words: "FIRESTORM STARRING HOWIE LONG".

3.) That means with the third pick in the draft the Atlanta Falcons don't have to worry about trading down. They select Glenn Dorsey. yes, they need a QB. Yes, they need a marquee name to sell tickets. Yes, Mike Vick has ruined that franchise, but think about it. They need a defense more than anything. getting better at the positions you need to means more wins. More wins means more tickets. And drafting where you need to can free you up in the second round to maybe go after Brohm, or dare I say it, FLACCO. Regardless, Dorsey is a perfect fit. He's big, fierce and could be the leader that team needs. Besides, lets hold off on QB's for a bit and just give Harrington ONE MORE chance. He deserves that at least. Maybe I just want everything to turn out perfect in a package where no one trades down maybe I'm right? It's possible Ravens trade up to get Ryan and Falcons get someone good like Ellis or Rivers, but then again Dorsey is too perfect for them to pass up.

4.) With the stupidest pick in the draft, the Raiders select Michael Vick part II, I mean Darren McFadden. As I've said earlier. He's the perfect fit for the Raiders. He's big. He's fast. He's a freak. He's an idiot. He's a terrible human being. He's an asshole. He's got an attitude. He's a criminal. He's a wife beater. He's more than likely a rapist and a soon to be convicted felon. He's the best athlete in this draft. But hey, like Al says, as long as you give him the rock and watch that asshole fly, "JUST WIN BABY". *bust alert, bust alert (not because he sucks because he'll probably be in jail for punching a little girl in the skull)*

5.) With the fifth pick in the draft, their first of then 9249837548347584758345734 picks they DO HAVE, the Chiefs select NO BODY. Because Long is off the board, they will look to trade down most definitely and wait and see if Gholston is still on the board at number 10 (which if teams draft wisely, he still will be). Surprise, supplies, here come THE NAWLINS SAINTS BABY!!!! They will draft up and take another USC alumn in SEDRICK FUCKING ELLIS. Get ready to have the most dominant tackle in College Football on your team and mold your defense into a sack machine. Ellis is a monster. No, a beast, NO! Sedrick Ellis is a dragon. He is a dragon of fury and might ready to devour shitty guards for dinner and breathe hot fire down the anus of any QB in the NFC South, that goes for you Tampa Bay and your 15 quarterbacks you have. And with Bush and Ellis on a team together again, maybe they can relive the magic and ride the dragon to the playoffs and dare I say it SUPER BOWL?

what that means for:

Matt Ryan: Dude you have the fallen QB syndrome. It first befell Aaron Rogers, then Matt Leinart, then Brady Quinn. None of them have recovered since (though Matt will I just know it !). You will drop, but don't worry you won't drop THAT FAR. Just to number 8 will the Ravens will be waiting with open arms and all the apple pie you can eat. They will mold you into a Franchise qb. They will teach you under the young Harbaugh's tutelage you will go far young Ryanson. We got another Eli Manning on our hands here fellas.

Chiefs: who cares. they still have 1887.45 picks left. They'll get someone

The OTHER Quarterbacks: I only really care for Flacco, but there are other QB's higher rated than he is for some insanely baffling reason. After Ryan is gone to the Ravens, no other team needs a QB right away. Maybe San fran can end up getting Henne because Alex Smith throws like my four year old retarded niece. BUT I predict the Falcons taking Henne early in the second round to fill that need at QB. If not at 33 then 37. I dunno why people aren't sold on Brohm either. He's more likely to take a team deep early on than Ryan or Henne. If Henne is off by then, look for ATL to go for Brohm, but I see Brohm going to either San Fran or Carolina, more than likely Carolina. I see San Fran going deep into the draft for a diamond in the rough QB. Woodson and Booty will be second day prospects. Woodson could end up being a good fit for Minnesota on the second day. They desperately need a QB and with all the good ones gone by then, Woodson is the best of the second tier candidates. Minnesota would do good drafting him. he's mobile and the perfect fit for their offense. He could be the missing piece for that offense, a QB that knows how to manage a game and not make mistake TAVARIS!!

John David Booty: He can go either way. He can either break his leg off tommorrow and never play again. or he can become one of the better underrated QB's in the league. Look for Seattle to go for him. they need a reliable backup and Hasselback is getting old. They are also both similar in nature and ability. Booty could end up being the most unlikely pro-bowler ever.

Colt Brennan: This dude use to be looked at as a early to mid second rounder. Since the end of the season though, teams have been hating on him and waiting for him to screw up. Now he's a fourth to fifth rounder, maybe even SIXTH! Of course people make mistakes under that pressure when everyone wants you to fail. But listen here, this kid IS THE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH. You manage him. You tutor him. You make him know the game and he could become a demon force to reckon with. He's not concerned with where he goes or how much money he gets. He just wants to play. Those are the most dangerous. HE WILL, mark my words, HE WILL MAKE SOME IMPACT ON WHOEVER DRAFTS HIM. While San Fran is a perfect fit, you know who has a boner for project QB's? Gruden. You know has like 37 qb's and could use another, Gruden. You know who has a proven playoff tested veteran who is a former pro bowler, similar in size, stature, ability and form to Brennan, Gruden. If Colt studies under the house of Garcia and Gruden, we could end up with a mini Jeff here ready to pound teams into the ground with his humility and his lethal, DEADLY arm.

JOE FUCKING FLACCO: DA Bears. That's it. It's over. They will treat him like a god on Solidier Field when in Two years, Joe Flacco leads the Bears to the first Super Bowl Win since Fridge, McMahon and Payton all went to a gay club and invented the Superbowl Shuffle. FLACCO FOR LiFE BABY!!