Best and Worst Bars in DC
One of the best parts about being a drunkard are the many bars one might visit on their late night stumbles around the city. My city, just so happens to be D.C. and with over a year of bar hopping under my belt, I feel I am qualified enough to make judgements on some of the worst and best bars of ever been to. All too often, people think it's easy to just have a place pop up that sells alcohol and that people will flock to it like stink on shit. But opening up a bar takes a lot of balls and there is a very important science that goes into making sure your bar is not only friendly, but accomodating to all walks of life, no matter how drunk.


Note: No bars from Georgetown or Dupont will be reviewed in this piece. Dupont generally just has forgettable establishments (except Brickscellars, that place rules)and Georgetown to me, is the scummiest, most low-life, low-culture, area of D.C. I would rather sit on a curb in Anacostia and drink Steel Reserve all night than go to a bar in G-Town. And I'd feel safer.

Worst Bars
5.) DC9 - U St. N
No bar epitomizes hipster, overpriced, BYT douchebag scum quite like DC9. Drinks that are overpriced, bad local bands that play, and shitty food make it one of the worst bars I've ever been to and I've been going there since I was 18 (for shows). The wierd thing is, a lot of my favorite bands pick this place to play which I can't understand. I know the dude that books a lot of shows thee has a stranglehold on the DC scene, so it makes it extra annoying. I hate paying 20 dollars for an eight dollar show. Still, a good PA is the only redeeming quality and makes this place only the fifth worst in DC.

4.) Local 16 - U St.
I feel like this place should come with a warning sign to all women that enter: WARNING YOU MIGHT GET RAPED IF YOU ENTER THIS BROEY PISS POOR EXCUSE FOR A FRAT PARTY WE CALL A BAR. Local 16, is one of the many shitty bars that exist along the U.St strip. Not only is everything here super fucking expensive, but when a frat boy graduates, gets a shitty government job, thinks he's hot shit, and wants to act like the hormonal shit bag he was in college, he goes here. Bartenders are dicks and a rooftop can't substitute for the shame I feel whenever I walk into this shithole.

3.) Science Club - Farragut North
With all the grief I've been given at this bar, you'd think I'd put it higher on my list. Still, Science Club doesn't attract too many scumbags (hispter dance douchers every so often), the problem I have with this place is the staff. Twice I've been threatened to be thrown out: once for coughing violently and another for not knowing where the bathroom is (this time I almost got into a fist fight with the bartender). Science Club, to me, has THE WORST STAFF IN ALL OF DC. All the bartenders are assholes. The owner is an asshole. And whenever I walk in there I generally feel like an asshole. Pity, the place is nice. The people that walk in there are nice. The area is nice. So many possibilities, instead the ownership is intent like making every patron feel like shit.

2.)Bourbon - Adams Morgan
Adams Morgan is generally a shit show to begin with. And I'm not going to say much about the abortion that is Bourbon in Adams Morgan. I will say that the first and only time I walked in there, I suddenly understood Bill Maher's argument on why America deserved September 11th.

1.)Rock N' Roll Hotel - H St.

There are a lot of shitty bars in D.C. And coming up with a list of terrible ones is a lot harder than ones that are good. BUT, the most sure fire, easiest, most direct way to be number one on my list is if you are hard to get to, have overpriced alcohol, and above all WATER DOWN YOUR DRINKS. Watering down your drinks is the cardinal sin and a one-way ticket to worst bar in town in my book and Rock N' Roll is soooooo guilty of this. I have never had more Coke-tasting Whiskey Cokes or Club-Soda filled Gin and Tonics in my entire life. The worst part, THEY CHARGE 6 BUCKS FOR A SMALL SIPPY CUP!!! No, fuck you. I don't care how nice your staff. I don't care how many times I've drank for free there. I don't care how many great bands you get to come through there. If you water down your drinks for me, AND CHARGE FOR ME FOR IT, you are and always will be the worst bar in D.C.

and now for the BEST BARS...

BEST BARS!

5.)Velvet Lounge - U St.
Yes, it's shitty. Yes it's dirty. Up until two weeks ago, the men's restroom didn't have a functioning toilet. And yes, since it was taken over two years ago with new management it's been run into the ground. But there is nothing quite like a dying dive bar. No one wants to go there. No one is USUALLY there. I say usually because Halloween was rediculous there. But best of all, no one hassles me there. The staff is friendly and although they don't book the cool acts they used to, Velvet is always good for a sweet show three or four times a year.

4.)Red Derby - CoHi

Derby is an example of a friednly neighborhood bar that pretty much has it all. It's a nice establishment with a pretty interior. It's huge. The staff is super accomodating and really nice. Their drinks are well priced. It has a theme (only cans are served, no draft, no bottle). They have games. They screen movies. I really like Derby a lot and always make it my first or last stop of the night. There are gender neutral bathrooms which is great for everyone. My only major complaint with this bar is the music selection. While the bar tenders are super nice, typing in Incubus into Pandora, and making that your playlist for the night is not a way to keep me there all night. Good starter and night-cap place though. And great neighborhood bar.

3.)Pharmacy Bar - Adams Morgan
This place is almost the antithesis of Derby with respects to its resources and what it has to work with: It is in an EXTREMELY shitty location (18th Adams Morgan Strip). It's small as shit. The staff is half the size. And the bar is about the size of my kitchen counter. Through all of this though, some how, Pharmacy has winded up being one of my favorite bars. I can go there at all hours, afternoon, beginning of the night, last call and each time I go in there I don't feel pressured and every one is so god damned friendly. The draft selection is only two beers, but that doesn't matter because aside from being a friendly neighborhood bar (that just so happens to be in Adams Morgan), the jukebox is THE BEST IN ALL OF D.C That's right you heard me. Pharmacy has THE BEST JUKEBOX OUT OF ALL BARS IN D.C, HANDS DOWN. They even managed to make the inside look nice and keep in line with the theme. Great place to party. Great place to just chill.

2.)Looking Glass - Petworth
Up until three weeks ago, this bar wouldn't have been even on my list. But since I've moved to Petworth, this nieghboorhood bar has been nothing but amazing to me. Bartenders are not only friendly, but super conversational. And it is a great bar universally in that it attracts all types of people, and everyone gets along. There is a cool downstairs bar with an outside patio where one could smoke (which is always a plus for me), and the drinks which are made expertly, don't cost that much at all. The game is always on, and it is always the mark of a good bar, when you can have a rough day, walk in there, and suddenly be cheered up with all the people. Looking Glass may not have been around for very long, but I can already say that it's MY neighborhood bar, and now where I hang my whiskey-soaked hat.

1.) Raven Grill - Mt. Pleasant

When I am at Raven, I am at home. It's not my neighborhood bar (sadly). It's not incredibly close to me. The name is wrong, because there is no grill at Raven. Only stale snack foods that have been up there all year. It's cash only. But nine times out of ten this year, if you called me and asked me where I'm at, I answered one word: Raven. This bar to me at least has it all. Location. Booths. Killer Jukebox. TV. Sweet bathrooms with cool tags. I've even managed to get a couple of girls to notice and talk to me at this bar. Basically it comes down to this: the bar reminds me of the bars I grew up in. I have been rasied in bars. My dad would take me to all his local spots in Echo Park and all the worst of the worst dive bars. I am dive bar junkie and I grew up in establishments such as this one. It has a special place in my heart. It has the nicest and chillest staff in D.C. It is usually packed on weekends, and no matter how many times at whatever hours I've been at this bar, there is always someone who knows my name there. There is always someone I know. It's like Cheers, except with more of a failure and vomit smell to it. Raven is where I feel safe and where I would want to be if the world were ending tommorrow. I love this place with all my heart. Also they let me smoke there after last call, so that's cool.

Hidden Gems
Here are a few hidden gems that are off the beaten path, that I like a lot. If you go there with a friend, 9/10 you'll look cool. You might even score:

Bedrock Billiards: The best bar with bar games in D.C. Dangerously close to the 18th st. strip, Bedrock is neatly tucked away underground, away from the low-lifes on the street. Great beer selection.

Jimmy Valentine's: This place scared the shit out of me the first time I went there and they locked me in. But if you want to travel far out, have a good time, and don't mind staying out all night, this little speakeasy is always a good fucking choice.

Miriam's Cafe: Usually when Derby lets out one can hear loud reggaeton blasting from some place across the street. That place is Miriam's Cafe. Drinks are cheap. They are open waaaaayyyy past last call. And as a hispanic, I generally think this underground bungalow is fucking awesome as shit. All the girls that work there are cute and dressed up in high-heels and club attire. SOME HOW, the manage to bartend, waitress, cook, and go-go dance around the establishment. ALL IN THEIR CLUB ATTIRE!!! These are superwomen if there ever were.

Anyways, that's all for my best and worst of D.C. Take my advice or don't take my advice. All of these places serve alcohol, so you can get drunk at all of them. It varies from person to person, interest to interest. Unless you like Georgetown. Then you deserve to die.

- James Beam.

Scumbag Casanova

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Everything is going to be okay.

I just saw "The Cooler" again for like the ninth or tenth time. It never ceases to amaze me how gorgeous this movie is. And yes, I do happen to relate to Bernie in this movie. Aside from that this is definitely one of my top ten favorite films for sentimental and professional reasons. Beautifully shot, masterfully written and acted (Alec Baldwin kills it so hard in this movie, so good), the Cooler is just one of those movies that has a particular place in this loser's heart for obvious personal reasons.

This is my favorite scene in the movie. Long before I ever heard of Nico, I saw this movie and thought what Bernie told Natalie was the truest and most sincere form of love there was. This scene gets me everytime. Guess I'm just an old romantic at heart.



- Where are you?

Scumbag Casanova

Sunday, November 15, 2009

It's not you. It's always me.
Over six years ago I experienced my first break-up with a girl. And I proceeded to act like a litte bitch about it. All emo and teary eyed I was SO CERTAIN that this was the end of my life as I knew it.

Fortunately for emo cry-babies like me it's usually those fragile kids that become tougher from these experiences and become accustomed to being let down. This leads to a tough outer shell that is built up in order to protect yourelf from ever experiencing bullshit like that again. And if any wounds reopen, we know what to do, burn them with alcohol. To quote the movie Dirty Work: "remember no matter how hard life gets, there's always beer." So it's only natural for dudes who used to sing and balance their entire lives on girls to become brutal alcoholics. Ask any man and they'll tell you, women will definitely drive you to this even if you don't realize it.

Thankfully for everyone too, in addition to booze there is music. We've all heard the stories about how some guy did that girl wrong and now she's out at the club with her girlfriends singing "I Will Survive". "Nothing Compares 2 U" still makes me bawl like a little girl. Music is always there to comfort us when we need reassuring that it really isn't us--it's them. Here are two songs that basically have defined my relationship and break-up experiences to this point. These are the ones that stick out the most in my head and each one represents a different time in my life. I think it's pretty cool.YOU SHOULD TOO GOD DAMMIT!!

Converge - Homewrecker


Converge became the first band I ever obsessed upon after a break-up. It was my first break-up and I was having trouble reconciling my actions with her decision. I questioned myself all the time and repeatedly wondered, "why?" This led to a major depression and a bucket-full of midnight sessions with my dad's record player and Dylan's "Blonde On Blonde". Then something happened one day. I had already been listening to Converge and thought "Heaven in Her Arms" was great. I loved the title but at the end Jake repeats the line "I love you" over and over again in attempt to convey the "three simple words" that "bled them dry." I was sick of saying I love you. That's when I slapped on "Homewrecker" and suddenly became very angry.

I was enraged. A typical brooding 16 year old, I had experienced love, loss and now it was time for rage. I stopped questioning myself and started learning to embrace the negative feelings. Most important I gained a major amount of resentment towards the person who had put me in the situation. I stopped blaming myself and decided to blame her in a hostile manner. I guess you could say I just became unhealthier, but in my mind and in my parents' mind, I was out of my bed, out of the house, and that was a positive. And Jake would return with another message for me to set me straight with "You Fail Me" so in the end I turned out ok. But at the time I started getting cockier and began to walk around with a chip on my shoulder trying to start shit. None of the times it ended well for me.

I felt alive. I felt something other than crippling depression and I feel the rage kept me going for the better part of my junior year until I came to Washington D.C for the first time. By the end of my experience, when I was finally able to get over her, I came out with a fresh perspective or at least as enlightened as you can be for a young, adolescent, angry boy: I HATE BITCHES. My junior year was complete and utter shit with tons of debauchery and Homewrecker kept me rolling along. The reason I like this song more is because it speaks of that horrid bitch. It curses her for creating this monster and warn of her and everyone's impending downfall at the hands of the most violent one. I like that instead of proclaiming his love for the girl at the end, Jake laid claim on that day, "no love no hope." If I couldn't have love, I was going to make sure I destroyed everyone and everything in my path so that no one could. I think I accomplished that very nicely my junior year if anyone knows me. Oh to be a pimmply, drug addled, fresh-faced sixteen year old again.

Afghan Whigs - Fountain and Fairfax


If "Homewrecker" came from the perspective of a snotty, pissed-off 16 year-old punk, this song brings it full circle to the cynical, defeated, 22 year old alcoholic you see now. The first Afghan Whigs song I ever heard was actually a cover done by Matt Pryor (Get Up Kids, come on you didn't think I ever actually abandoned my emo past?) and his solo project The New Amsterdams. It was a cover of "When We Two Parted" which is a brutal, violent and disturbing tale of an adult break-up, one at the age of 16 I had no idea about. It just sounded scary but very cool.

My sophomore year roomate John turned me on to more Afghan Whigs and I became enthralled with their epic album "Gentlemen". I thought it was so great and when I heard the original "When We Two Parted" I was sure it was going to be my greatest break-up track ever. When I actually did end up going through my last break-up it wasn't that track that moved me and pushed me to where I stand now. It was this track "Fountain and Fairfax".

REAL TALK: My last relationship was the most adult thing I've ever done and it's by far the hardest thing I've ever put my blood, sweat and tears into. When it ended and I listened to this album and this song, it became all clear to me that I was no longer a snot-nosed sixteen year old trying to be brutal. I was a man that had been defeated not just from the relationship, but from everything else that had transpired since transitioning into adulthood and it sucked. This song was me realizing that this all sucked and realizing that Greg Dully knew it sucked. This one as the old addage goes, is not for kiddies.

This one is for adult time. Only an adult could understand the dissappointed, depression, and anger of having something you worked so hard towards fail. You can hear it in Greg's seething voice as he drunkenly wails, "AAAAAngel, come closer." By the end of this song I realized I was twenty-two, single, an alcoholic, and not angry at women or the world anymore. I was just done. The apathy and anger is heard in his voice throughout the song as he becomes drunker, more cynical, and more belligerent. Something reserved for as I said earlier, "adult time". I love this song so much because as I related to Converge's brutal and dramatic imagery when I was 16, I now relate to Greg Dully's scathing, confrontational, drunken rants and raves and the bruised ego that comes with it.

Maybe I'm exposing to much of myself here, but this song gets me everytime. The lyrics, the sounds, the way he keeps saying angel, it just kills me on such a personal level, something I wouldn't have realized at a younger age. "Fountain and Fairfax" is grown-up Chris coming to the realization that the only things he destroyed since he was 16 were his confidence and his self-esteem. Now that's brutal.

- Christopher

Scumbag Casanova

Monday, November 02, 2009

Grab your 40. Let's get keyed.

As a little kid growing up in Los Angeles, you become accustomed to different sorts of lingo and music. Growing up, hip-hop was basically the soundtrack to my childhood. Songs about smokin weed and drinkin, that's just the way I used to imagine my adulthood being, except I was too young to realize what these songs were actually about. To me "gin and juice" was a song about Snoop Dogg throwin a party, then getting in trouble for it. So you can see my conundrum, when I first heard the song, "I Got Five On It".

I had no idea what this song was about. All I know is that it sounded cool and the slogan "I got five on it" was super catchy. Walking around my house in Silver Lake, screamin "I GOT FIIIIIIVE ON IT!" I was constantly told that I should stop listening to "that rap shit" by my dad and that I was too young to be saying things like that. Bike would just laugh and agree that he indeed also had five on it. I didn't understand what my parents were so upset about until I got older...

...when I first started getting acquainted with the lingo and the life style, I suddenly realized what the song was about as everyone seemed to be so concerned with their own money. This song, although at the time I had no idea, provided a basis for the basic manners and actions of a grown up. I realized very quickly why my parents didn't want me listening to this at age seven. But I couldn't help it. It was a fucking awesome song. And you know what, I'm glad I did. Because it helped me out in very difficult situations and tight spots, where other people otherwise might not have been so privy.

Moral of the story: this song is the shit and I defy anyone to tell me different. If I were a parent, I wouldn't care if I heard my tike listening to this. As a matter of fact I would feel better knowing that one day, if my kid was in this spot, he would be a good g and do what he is supposed to do.

I envisioned my adulthood being like this song...and guess what IT IS!!!! So grab your 40, let's get keyed.



- Messing with that indo weeeeed