It's not you. It's always me.
Over six years ago I experienced my first break-up with a girl. And I proceeded to act like a litte bitch about it. All emo and teary eyed I was SO CERTAIN that this was the end of my life as I knew it.

Fortunately for emo cry-babies like me it's usually those fragile kids that become tougher from these experiences and become accustomed to being let down. This leads to a tough outer shell that is built up in order to protect yourelf from ever experiencing bullshit like that again. And if any wounds reopen, we know what to do, burn them with alcohol. To quote the movie Dirty Work: "remember no matter how hard life gets, there's always beer." So it's only natural for dudes who used to sing and balance their entire lives on girls to become brutal alcoholics. Ask any man and they'll tell you, women will definitely drive you to this even if you don't realize it.

Thankfully for everyone too, in addition to booze there is music. We've all heard the stories about how some guy did that girl wrong and now she's out at the club with her girlfriends singing "I Will Survive". "Nothing Compares 2 U" still makes me bawl like a little girl. Music is always there to comfort us when we need reassuring that it really isn't us--it's them. Here are two songs that basically have defined my relationship and break-up experiences to this point. These are the ones that stick out the most in my head and each one represents a different time in my life. I think it's pretty cool.YOU SHOULD TOO GOD DAMMIT!!

Converge - Homewrecker


Converge became the first band I ever obsessed upon after a break-up. It was my first break-up and I was having trouble reconciling my actions with her decision. I questioned myself all the time and repeatedly wondered, "why?" This led to a major depression and a bucket-full of midnight sessions with my dad's record player and Dylan's "Blonde On Blonde". Then something happened one day. I had already been listening to Converge and thought "Heaven in Her Arms" was great. I loved the title but at the end Jake repeats the line "I love you" over and over again in attempt to convey the "three simple words" that "bled them dry." I was sick of saying I love you. That's when I slapped on "Homewrecker" and suddenly became very angry.

I was enraged. A typical brooding 16 year old, I had experienced love, loss and now it was time for rage. I stopped questioning myself and started learning to embrace the negative feelings. Most important I gained a major amount of resentment towards the person who had put me in the situation. I stopped blaming myself and decided to blame her in a hostile manner. I guess you could say I just became unhealthier, but in my mind and in my parents' mind, I was out of my bed, out of the house, and that was a positive. And Jake would return with another message for me to set me straight with "You Fail Me" so in the end I turned out ok. But at the time I started getting cockier and began to walk around with a chip on my shoulder trying to start shit. None of the times it ended well for me.

I felt alive. I felt something other than crippling depression and I feel the rage kept me going for the better part of my junior year until I came to Washington D.C for the first time. By the end of my experience, when I was finally able to get over her, I came out with a fresh perspective or at least as enlightened as you can be for a young, adolescent, angry boy: I HATE BITCHES. My junior year was complete and utter shit with tons of debauchery and Homewrecker kept me rolling along. The reason I like this song more is because it speaks of that horrid bitch. It curses her for creating this monster and warn of her and everyone's impending downfall at the hands of the most violent one. I like that instead of proclaiming his love for the girl at the end, Jake laid claim on that day, "no love no hope." If I couldn't have love, I was going to make sure I destroyed everyone and everything in my path so that no one could. I think I accomplished that very nicely my junior year if anyone knows me. Oh to be a pimmply, drug addled, fresh-faced sixteen year old again.

Afghan Whigs - Fountain and Fairfax


If "Homewrecker" came from the perspective of a snotty, pissed-off 16 year-old punk, this song brings it full circle to the cynical, defeated, 22 year old alcoholic you see now. The first Afghan Whigs song I ever heard was actually a cover done by Matt Pryor (Get Up Kids, come on you didn't think I ever actually abandoned my emo past?) and his solo project The New Amsterdams. It was a cover of "When We Two Parted" which is a brutal, violent and disturbing tale of an adult break-up, one at the age of 16 I had no idea about. It just sounded scary but very cool.

My sophomore year roomate John turned me on to more Afghan Whigs and I became enthralled with their epic album "Gentlemen". I thought it was so great and when I heard the original "When We Two Parted" I was sure it was going to be my greatest break-up track ever. When I actually did end up going through my last break-up it wasn't that track that moved me and pushed me to where I stand now. It was this track "Fountain and Fairfax".

REAL TALK: My last relationship was the most adult thing I've ever done and it's by far the hardest thing I've ever put my blood, sweat and tears into. When it ended and I listened to this album and this song, it became all clear to me that I was no longer a snot-nosed sixteen year old trying to be brutal. I was a man that had been defeated not just from the relationship, but from everything else that had transpired since transitioning into adulthood and it sucked. This song was me realizing that this all sucked and realizing that Greg Dully knew it sucked. This one as the old addage goes, is not for kiddies.

This one is for adult time. Only an adult could understand the dissappointed, depression, and anger of having something you worked so hard towards fail. You can hear it in Greg's seething voice as he drunkenly wails, "AAAAAngel, come closer." By the end of this song I realized I was twenty-two, single, an alcoholic, and not angry at women or the world anymore. I was just done. The apathy and anger is heard in his voice throughout the song as he becomes drunker, more cynical, and more belligerent. Something reserved for as I said earlier, "adult time". I love this song so much because as I related to Converge's brutal and dramatic imagery when I was 16, I now relate to Greg Dully's scathing, confrontational, drunken rants and raves and the bruised ego that comes with it.

Maybe I'm exposing to much of myself here, but this song gets me everytime. The lyrics, the sounds, the way he keeps saying angel, it just kills me on such a personal level, something I wouldn't have realized at a younger age. "Fountain and Fairfax" is grown-up Chris coming to the realization that the only things he destroyed since he was 16 were his confidence and his self-esteem. Now that's brutal.

- Christopher